Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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