so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize