I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
