theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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