I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you had me at cake vodka
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
