He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
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Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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