When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
