You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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