just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
