Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
