Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
