Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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