I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize