it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
