Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
