so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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