neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
