This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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