Only a mothe r could love this liver
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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