i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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