I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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