you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
