also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I smell stomach acid.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
