Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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