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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
