What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
