Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
