Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
