We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
