I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
