our cab driver is having phone sex.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
