im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
