a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
