Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
