If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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