so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
