I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
