i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
