I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
