Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's always time for handjobs
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
