My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Will you blow on my dice?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
