Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
