Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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