omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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