6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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