2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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