Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I cut my penus on the lid.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
