I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize