The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
