I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
