Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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