I have demons in me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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