The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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