mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
