Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
