Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
