i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
