I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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