it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
