I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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