Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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