So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
